Check your Horoscopes!

Aquarius (21st January – 19th February)

Rahu will be heavy for the first few months. Aquarians may find danger in driving on highways. The cause of your death will definitely not be accidental. But leave the temptations on eunuchs. Carry condoms.

Pisces (20th February – 20th March)

Pieceans will find peace at home and bliss with family. But having intercourse with their pet dogs is not suggested as full moon enters Shani. Chances of your child putting a cucumber inside his anus are at high risk. Leave dogs. Do goats!

Aries (21st March – 20th April)

You will be attacked by dangerous eunuchs on your way home tonight. Be aware of these deceptive transexuals. However, Arien eunuchs can try their luck on signals on the 6th, 16th and 26th May. Success in their flesh biz will soar like Viagra perforated genitals.

Taurus (21st April – 21st May)

If you travel by train, you will have to hold onto someone’s crotch to keep yourself from falling. With this prediction you can only wish that the Taureans reading this are shameless homosexuals.

Gemini (22th May – 23th June)

Fat black men are prone to betrayal and denial. This May, Rahu will enter Ketu and they will be blessed with 3 Afro-Indian wives. Those who don’t can wear lockets with the nail of their neighbour’s cat.

Cancer (23rd June – 23rd July)

As your sign name suggests, you might have to face dire consequences as a cancer patient. Patients with cervical and prostate cancer can sacrifice 3 goats. This will not only cure your elongated curse but also free you from your dark sins.

Leo (24th July – 23rd August)

There are slight chances of obtaining a serious but curable disease called AIDS. Change the Vaastu of your home. Sell your furniture. Leos who have AIDS can have anal intercourse with prostitutes on full-moon nights. This will cut their Shani via Ketu and relieve them from their ongoing tensions.

Virgo (24th August – 23rd September)

This time for Virgos is really great. Harvest season in your womb and the Virgos can never forget their harvesting husbands. However, Virgos whose husbands are darker than Rajnikant can face relation problems. To get rid of this encourage your husbands to have pedophiliac sex with new-born kittens. Happiness will see your way.

Libra (24th September – 22nd October)

Librans are luckiest this month with their Rahukaal mostly on the hold by Surya. But a serious occurrence might take place with your children. Keep them away from Virgos and vehicles.

Scorpio (23rd October – 22nd November)

Scorpians have a good month too. If you are wearing a gold chain with neelam in it, throw it immediately in Vashi creek and lead a happy life. Beware of having gay relations, sexual complications may take an occurrence. To avoid this, have curd made of goat’s milk with three teaspoons of salt in it. After this lick honey immediately.

Sagittarius (23rd November – 22nd December)

This is the baddest month for Saggitarians, they may lose their best job because of the presence of homosexuals in their company. They would find them having sex everywhere in the office and ultimately might resign for better opportunities in the near future.

Capricorn (23rd December – 20th January)

Capriconians will be busy with homely matters. Your wives may have a secret affair with your bosses. And that consequently will affect your professional life too. No tantras and mantras for Capriconians. Blow your boss. Secure your job.

Well, this was yet another fantastic write up by my close friend Apoorv Singh. And he wrote this in just 10 minutes. Unbelievable?

Anyway, I do expect a lot of astrology fanatics to get mad at me for posting this, but seriously come on, this is the kind of stuff that actually happens in real life and not all what is blatantly proclaimed by professional astologers. (Yes, it’s a profession promising loads of money) In fact, I had edited this post myself and got rid of a lot of profanity… and I did it just for you astrology freaks!!